Man Separated from daughter...
Caller: I have a daughter with a lady and for a long time she didn't let me see her. Now my daughter is older and she says she wants to see me and we now have a relationship.
Host: Sometimes we think we need others to be involved in our interactions when in fact we can go straight for things ourselves. At her age she doesn't need her mother's permission to interact with you. She can interact with you directly, which is what is happening now. However, this wasn't always the case because at one point she was too young. So, sometimes we have to be patient for what we want and just have the faith and believe that what we want to take place will take place.
Non-interactive Siblings...
Caller: I'm the youngest of nine children. We all grew up in a two room house, so we were very close. I've lost three of my siblings who have passed on already and I'm very concerned with the relationship I have with two of my sisters because we drifted apart. I just don't see them because one has a possessive husband and the other one is trying to rebuild her life. My children say they want to see their aunties, so I'm very sensitive to it. They came to my house once in seven years when we had our house warming. I tell my children stories about my childhood and they really want to get to know my sisters but they can't.
Host: We tend to think to that what is going on with someone else has a connection to us, when it's often about what they are going through. So leave people alone to deal with their problems. You or I don't know why they are doing what they are doing, but don't draw conclusions about what is going on with them having to do with you. They could be oppressed, stressed, depressed, in bad relationships, or it could be that they are in bad relationships or situations that they don't want you to see them in because they would be embarrassed. Work on patience, tolerance, and understanding and wait it out. Things will come to light and often you will see it has nothing to do with you, but give things time to come out. You have no idea what's going on with them. You are clueless about it, but your job is to have your children have the best life you can provide for them. Everything that happens is not about you. When you think it is, you can work yourself up into a frenzy or an uptight place. We are often too self-involved about issues. What's going may have nothing to do with you.
Do you rely on your relationships to fulfill your desires? If there's a break in your relationship with a person, do you believe it has something to do with you? What have you been struggling with in your soul?
How many of you know someone's cheating on you? You probably do know, but you are in denial and don't want to face it because it's painful. You or your partner may not be emotionally healthy. People come into relationships with behaviors and baggage and the same behaviors our partners exhibit when love is new that we ignored, we see it manifest in a full blown way when they are comfortable in the relationship. Then we blame each other when the baggage and behavior is what they brought into the relationship. So, we have to decide on what we want to do with it, but we must realize that ignoring it leads to more unhealthy behavior including cheating, blaming, etc. and then you will eventually break up.
Separation & Civil Child Visitation Practices...
Caller: I am 32-year-old woman who has been separated from my 30-year-old husband for the last seven months. We have a seven-month-old son and my husband left a week after my son's birth. We have two other children in a blended family. I have a nine-year-old son from a previous relationship and we have a three-year-old son together. This is both our second marriages. I was very young and immature in my first marriage, so looking back, I understand how that unraveled. With this second marriage I came in with an understanding of the commitment and sacrifice that goes into it, but my husband didn't know those things even though it's his second marriage too. I have taken steps to rectify my behavior. We did counseling and we were told to do things individually and together. He said he has issues with me not being at home, not spending time with him, and not being affectionate. However, I have a lot going on. I'm very active in my church, I work 12-hour days and I take care of the kids. My first marriage was just very immature. We figured we loved each other, so let's get married, but we didn't understand the dynamics of getting married and there wasn't any substance to the marriage. Then I was available to my first husband because I didn't have baggage and I didn't have kids. Now, I would like to have a civil relationship in regards to our children with my husband. My issue is that he feels everything that happened is my fault. He tells the kids, "Mommy doesn't like me." I'm trying to hold my peace but he's making this difficult. We have a third party visitation arrangement and he doesn't work, so he visits the kids when I'm at work. The third party who takes care of the kids and the nine-year-old tell me the bad things he's telling them. He'll say, "Daddy can't do this because mommy will be mad."
Host: Have you stopped between these relationships/marriages to see what's going on with you yourself instead of just changing partners? People are like luggage. If you don't unpack the luggage from growing up or from your first relationship, you will just keep moving the same baggage from house to house and you will get the same dynamics and results. You need to take time to unpack the baggage from the first marriage. Are you convinced that all the problems of the relationship are all entirely you or him? People often don't realize this, but you have to constantly feed a marriage. It's not just about finding the "right" person, being the "princess bride for a day" and having the ceremony, or having a party. You've got to feed the marriage daily. He brought issues, behaviors, expectations etc. into the relationship as well. You need an objective mediator that's not related to either one of you, so the person can help you negotiate an agreement about child visitation practices, including coming to an agreement about how you will function as being part of a separated family and including agreeing about what is said to the children in your absence.
Host: Often when we are in love with people, we bestow them with qualities they don't have and we often are expecting behaviors and attitudes from these people who don't have it and can't even deliver it. We view them through the proverbial "rose colored lenses" thinking they will be all we want and need and then we have to face the reality of who really are including their baggage later on and by then usually we are already involved with them.
“Friends” & One Up-Manship...
Caller: Why do people, especially friends, practice “one up-manship” on their friends?
Host: It's because they are not confident of themselves.
Ailing Sisters...
Caller: I have a sister I love and we are both ill. We both live alone. I'm concerned about her because she's not walking and she's in her apartment building alone. She has money, so I suggested to her to get a home care individual to come and take care of her, but she says she's not ready for that. My hands are tied because I'm less financially fortunate than she is. I wonder why they haven't hospitalized her. She doesn't discuss her illness with me. I told her that I should go with her to her doctors and she said, "No."
Host: There comes a time when we can't live alone and independently as we age because it can be dangerous and worrying about her is natural, but what is her condition? Does her doctor think she's as bad off as you think she is? You are drawing up conclusions in your head about her situation, but sometimes that isn't accurate. Unless you have gone to her with your doctor, you don't really know what's going on with her. She's an adult and she wants to do it her way, so you can't force this on her at all. You have no way of intervening and your hands are tied. You can keep an eye on her. If you call her and she sounds like she's in trouble you can call the ambulance and they will take her to the hospital where social services will intervene. That's all you can do in this situation. You're wasting your time and energy trying to figure this situation out.
If you don't come to love someone when you are feeling worthy and complete, you will not be your best self in the relationship and you will be taken advantage of and/or you will burden your partner with your needs in any relationship you get into.
She Can’t/Won’t Trust…
Caller: I'm a single mother of two boys and I was never married to their two separate fathers and the issues I have with their fathers makes me angry. My issue is trust. I'm a big-hearted person. I love people, friendships and relationships. I lived with one person one time five years ago and it lasted six months. I'm very picky, so I'm hard to live with, but I want that security of being in a relationship, but when we are together I feel like, "You can you leave now," because it gets overwhelming for me. Now in 2012 I met a nice gentleman. If I don't hear from him first thing in the day or last thing at night, I lose it. I put him on call block and then I am at the alter at church every Sunday repenting and I'm doing the Alpha System. I tried to get counseling years ago, but things are just not working right with me.
Host: You don't trust, so you have to control everything, so you have to control everything about the people you are involved with. Early in your life, someone let you down and didn't come through for you. In your developmental stage, your basic trust was violated, so your defense system is to be controlling, which turns people off. You want to form healthy attachments, but this is affecting you. Go and see a reputable therapist that will help you work this out. You are embattled with yourself inside and you have to get a handle on it so you won't be controlling. Seeing a therapist should be the gift you give yourself this year as a Christmas present. Source: The Audrey Chapman Show Written by: Susan Majek Edited by: Jeremie D. Guy
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