How's your relationship with yourself. You have to have a good relationship with yourself if you want to feel better about yourself, feel confident, worthy and accepted. We all start out in the world craving acceptance regardless of our sexual orientation, nationality, ethnicity etc. However, gay men of color don't have good relationships with themselves because they especially face rejection and other problems in this country. The song, You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) was sung by disco singer, Sylvester James who personally overcame many issues including being accepted as gay. Even today many gay people, especially gays of color, still struggle for acceptance in their families and communities. Many have endured racism, stigmatization, neglect, abuse, bullying, disease, gender identity, rejection, depression, self-rejection and intimacy issues. Many then internalize these negative feelings and direct them against themselves. It's really not easy being gay because they go through so much just because they are gay.
Our guest is political activist and commentator, Keith Boykin who is the author of For Colored Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Still Not Enough: Coming of Age, Coming Out, and Coming Home; Beyond the Down Low: Sex, Lies and Denial in Black America; Respecting The Soul; and One More River to Cross. If you are struggling with being black and gay, you haven't come out yet and you are struggling with self acceptance, this is the show for you. Keith, you had an experience with a Caucasian woman in a hotel lobby, tell us about that.
Right before the Million Man March on October 16, 1995, I was living in DC and was part of a group, sitting in a hotel lobby and planning a gay contingent. An older white woman comes up to us as we are making our plans and says, "Are you folks gay rights people? I just want you to know Jesus say's that's wrong." She felt a sense of privilege and entitlement that made her walk up to us and say that. Although there are references to homosexuality in the bible, Jesus never mentioned homosexuality, so she knew nothing about what she was talking about, but she was so upset that I engaged and challenged her on what she was saying that she ran down the hallway as I began following her and at one point I dropped down on my knees and started praying for her. She was from The Concerned Women of America, which is a conservative right-wing group of conservative women which promotes Biblical values and family traditions.
We did participate in the Million Man March. Two hundred of us went as we chanted, “We're black, we're gay, we wouldn't have it any other way.” We were invited and we didn’t disinvite ourselves as gay people sometimes do. We were there like other organizations such as fraternities, and community organizations that were there also and we marched down the street chanting. As we approached the massive crowds, we had no idea how we would make it into the crowd, but as we came, the crowds parted and they brought us in. They let us know that we were accepted and not excluded.
Religion is often used as a tool for homophobia and hate instead of as a tool for love. The Bible has been misused and misinterpreted throughout history. At one time it was used to deny people of their civil rights. For example, the quotes in Ephesians 6:5, 1st Peter 2:18 and Colossians 3:22 about slaves being obedient to their masters were used to enslave people. Even Frederick Douglas said his master quoted them all the time. The bible has been used to promote sexism. For example, Timothy 2:12 and Corinthians 14:34 has quotes saying women shouldn’t teach men and it has been used to prevent women from being in power both in and outside of the church, and the Bible quote in Mathew 27:25 stating, "All the people answered, "Let his blood be on us and on our children!" that the Jews yelled in response to Pontius Pilate concerning crucifying Jesus has also been used to promote anti-Semitism.
The book, For Colored Boys is about gays finding a supportive and affirming environment. It is also about young men's experiences, romantic relationships and the challenges these people faced when coming into themselves and out to their loved ones. E. Lynn Harris contemplated suicide many times, and once he was in the hospital because he was unable to bear not being true to himself and others not accepting his sexual orientation, and he wrote about that in his memoir titled What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted: A Memoir, which he wanted to name, For Colored Boys, but didn't. But with Tyler Perry doing the movie For Colored Girls based on For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf by Ntozake Shange and selling out movie theaters, I realized I had to name my book that because many boys of color are killing themselves in their homes because they can't bear facing homophobia with their family and friends and it's often not reported.
We are aware of Tyler Clementi who was an eighteen-year-old student at Rutgers University in Piscataway, New Jersey when he jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge on September 22, 2010, after he learned that his roommate had been watching, taping and streaming his homosexual encounters, but you don't hear about young black men who attempt suicide, because they aren't successfully living as gays. A recent study showed that 18-24 year old black gay people are more likely to commit suicide than their white counterparts. For example, an 11-year-old Massachusetts boy, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, hanged himself after enduring anti-gay bullying, teases and taunts. Eleven-year-old Jaheem Herrera didn't have problems with bullying until he moved to the United States from St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands, but when he moved to the U.S. he committed suicide after he suffered severe bullying at Dunaire Elementary School in DeKalb County.
Raymond Chase, an openly gay college student in Rhode Island also committed suicide, but no one talks about these boys of color. They are dying in isolation, often with no support structure to reassure them that they are ok as who they are. They often suffer in silence in communities of color all over the nation. In a recent study it was discovered that 43% of gay people of color have considered or attempted suicide because they find it difficult to find support with dealing with the racism, homophobia and heterosexism they face in their lives, and their deaths don’t generate much media attention.
Teenagers normally tease each other harmfully, which affects them, but for gays it’s worse and ultimately they need to know they are not alone in their struggle. Many other suicides have occurred including Eric Mohat, Lee Simpson, Joseph Jefferson and many others we know and don’t know about. Untreated depression is the number-one risk factor for suicide, and gay people often struggle with feeling unaccepted which causes depression. We experience all kinds of things within and outside of ourselves when all we want as people is to feel that we are ok and accepted.
Caller: I am a twenty-six gay male who is out to the people who need to know. It's a challenge from the religious standpoint and even for people who don't accept that standpoint. My parents are not religious because they didn't get too caught up in religion, but I always pray and talk to God daily. I grew up in DC and all my life, I have known that I am gay. Even when I was younger, I didn't date anyone but I was like, "I can't be gay" even though I felt it. In my teens I began to act on my feelings. Then I came out to my mom and those I love and they didn't judge me, but I still go through the, “How can I be gay” thought process thing. It appears to be easier to be heterosexual than to be gay.
Guest/Host: Would your family's acceptance make a difference? They were not affected by that so they could approach you in a loving way. We wish you well in your life. There are many challenges gay men endure and they matter. When singer Frank Ocean came out, 50 Cent said, "Frank is courageous." He has changed his tune from his previously homophobic stance and said President Obama's support of gay marriage helped change his mind. President Obama, whom I went to law school with, endorsing gay marriage was an important decision. It opened the door for others to come out and show their support. The NAACP supported gay marriage two weeks after that and a flood of black celebrities supported it such as Michelle Obama, Duvall Patrick, Colin Powell, DC mayors, Adrian Fenty, Vincent Gray, Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, and Joseph Lowry. Black people are not a monolithic community and we don't all agree on everything all the time. However, even though black people haven’t always been comfortable with everything, we are generally politically progressive, but socially conservative. Celebrities like Whoopi Goldberg, Tyra Banks, and John Legend also supported it because they realized that they don't have buy into the bigotry anymore.
Caller: I am a straight man with a twenty-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son. When you go to the schools now, you see girls looking like boys and boys looking like girls. My question is, "If you like the same sex, why do you assume the appearance of the sex you don't like? When you see these couples, why does one look tough and the other look soft? The strong kids, who have come out, put the pressure to come out on other kids towho don't have a sexual identity yet. For example, I see lesbian girls latch on to girls who don't know whether they are gay or not, but maybe without a mind of their own, without a father at home etc. and they teach the girls that they are gay like they are and you see them at the bus stop hugging and kissing.
Guest/Host: From fashion magazines we see that the clothing for this year's fashion are more masculine in style and the female models are wearing them and so are regular people. Human sexuality is diverse and what you say you see is not reflective of who we are as a group because we are not a monolithic group. In my book there's a chapter titled Boys Like Girls. This is to dispel such stereotypes based on assumption and not real facts. There are gay cross dressers, drag queens, transgenders etc because we are not a monolithic group, but regardless of that we should all have respect for other people. The people you describe at the bus stop may just be being affectionate with each other and that's just how they are. You see what you see, but you can't see through their eyes even though they may seem too young to you and what they do may seem unnatural to you. I have a young man in my family who just came out two weeks ago to his mother and his mom called me. Several years ago, he and I were walking somewhere and he said to me, "My mom says you’re gay, can kids be gay too? So many years later he comes out to his mom. I was a late bloomer who came out at twenty five, but some people know at five, ten, or fifteen years old. We are a very diverse group, but ultimately we shouldn't judge others.
Caller: My friend called me in January and said, "I like boys." I said, "Ok," and I started asking questions about the lifestyle, and he soon got irritated and I had to apologize and stop with the questions, but I told him, "This is all new for me, so you have to pardon me." However, my question is, "What about the parents and family members?", because it's really hard for us. No one in the family knows but me and he's twenty six, successful, has a nice house, a good job and people are wondering and asking, “Where's the girlfriend.” Now I'm wondering, "Did I do too much to influence him?"
Guest/Host: Think about the person, try to be understanding and let them come to terms with themselves. Frank Ocean never said, "I'm gay or lesbian," he just said, "I fell in love with a man." Gay people just need to be comfortable with themselves and not seek other people's approval. You didn't do anything right or wrong to him. There’s zero correlation between parents' sexual orientation and children’s sexual orientation. Make the situation about helping the young man and it will be a more positive experience for both of you.
Us Helping Us www.uhupil.org is a great organization led by Ron Simmons and it is a good place to get information that can help you with that situation while you are sorting things out and trying to make sense of it. Also visit www.4coloredboys.com because there are different resources available to assist you there.
Caller: This is Ron Simmons and I'm telling everyone, “You have to read the book.” About the caller who called earlier and said he has a three year old son, God forbid his son turns out to be gay. That is the kind of kid who ends up killing himself. My family took me to a doctor when I tried to kill myself. I had both parents in the home who were working hard, but I turned out gay, so it is not about the parents. However, parents should accept their children for who they are. It's about you being supportive to that child. There are helpful groups such as Parents, Families & Friends of Gays and Lesbians (PFLAG) www.pflag.org and Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League (SMYAL) www.smyal.org
Guest/Host: Parents call me asking for a therapist to send their child to, to talk them out of being gay. They don't want their child to go down the difficult road because it's hard enough being a black male in this county and adding being gay to that is harder, so because of this many parents unravel. This is a racist and homophobic society, so you have to engage your child early, so they can be built up to handle such problems when they come up. As parents, ignoring it and burying your head in the sand won't help the issue. Avoiding the issue isn't healthful. It's actually very harmful. I met a seventeen-year-old boy who has four kids, and I asked him how that happened, he said, "I was busy trying to prove that I am a man." It happens quite often and some other boys join gangs or become messed up for life because of it. For many people, being on the "down low" was to prove to the society that they were straight. However, if we created a society where gays feel accepted there would be no down-low people. I tell parents not to take the stance that, "People are trying to make my son gay or my daughter a lesbian in school."
Quote from For Colored Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Still Not Enough: Coming of Age, Coming Out, and Coming Home: “Once you realize the thing you fear is not the end of the world, you have the power to change the world.”
This has been an enlightening look inside the world of African-American gay men as they shared their unique challenges and the reasons why the wider African-American community should care about them.
Guest: Keith Boykin who is a TV commentator, inspirational speaker, New York Times best-selling author, former special assistant to President Bill Clinton, presidential trade delegation member and a founder and first board president of the National Black Justice Coalition.
Host: Audrey Chapman
Broadcast Date: 09/08/12
Editors: Susan Majek & Jeremie D. Guy
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