Your spouse, intimate partner, soul mate or whatever you call him or her can go through manyof health challenges. Mental health ones can be particularly difficult, especially Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder, which have been in the news recently due to the many war returnees we have. However, there’s light at the end of the tunnel because there are ways to help your loved one, and yourself. Keep reading to learn more.
Traumatic occurrences that have a significant effect on people can cause them to have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. This is why many people in big urban cities sing the blues songs because traumatic events can occur for you or those they love. The song "Inner City Blues," where Marvin Gaye sings, "Oh the way they do my life make me wanna holler," depicts this type of frustration. Our Guest is Jason C. DeViva, PhD. He is a clinical psychologist in the VA Connecticut Health Care System, where he works extensively with veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. He is also on the faculty of the University of Connecticut School of Medicine and Yale School of Medicine. He has treated both veterans and civilians with posttraumatic stress disorder and related problems for over a decade. He with Dr. Claudia Zeyfert, PHD., wrote the book, When Someone You Love Suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome: What to Expect and What You Can Do.
Quote from book: "Like trauma survivors, families and loved ones can feel a range of emotions. Often, however, family and loved ones think that they are not allowed to feel what they are feeling. You may believe you don't deserve to complain because you were not the one who was traumatized. You also may be reluctant to express your concerns to the trauma survivor for fear he will react intensely. If you try to convey your concerns to the survivor and offer to help, your attempt to reach out may be met with anger, rejection or indifference. You have every right to feel the way you feel. Your emotions are neither right nor wrong; they are understandable responses to the experience of living with a trauma survivor. Do not judge yourself negatively for being confused, afraid or angry. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Do not try to escape or suppress your emotions. Instead, accept them and focus on taking care of yourself."
For most people, you hear about PTSD if they've been through war, rape, natural disasters, and you hear that they either have PSTD or they are ok, but in reality there are different ways people experience trauma and its aftermath. Post-traumatic stress is a continuum of ways people suffer from the effects of trauma after it has occurred. PTSD is a specific label which includes sufferers re-experiencing the initial trauma, being highly aroused, and having a hard time calming themselves down. Some people don't meet all these criteria, but experience still PTSD after traumatic events such as being raped, assaulted, being in a car accident, fire outbreak, a hurricane, tornado, or even when someone says or does something to them verbally or physically.
Post-Traumatic Stress is a traumatic experience inside the person that lingers and can be triggered by anything. Symptoms include anxiety and difficulty feeling safe and a response can unexpectedly come out of the blue. People suffering from this have a hard time regulating their feelings of safety. They can also feel guilt. They may blame themselves for what they should have or have not done about the situation when it was occurring. They may also feel shame about how they are reacting, and they may feel like they shouldn't feel or behave a certain way when they feel sadness or grief. They may also display avoidance and withdraw from the people around them such as their spouse, family, friends and associates. They may also lose interest in what they used to love do such as activities they used to love to participate in. Many also suffer from sleep deprivation, lack of concentration and memory loss. They may suffer a wide range of issues and often people try to cope the best way they know how. However, sometimes their incorrect coping mechanisms don't work and it affects them in significant ways such as their inability to keep a job due to alcoholism being used to medicate symptoms of PTSD, we see that it also sometimes has a dominos effect and causes more difficulty for them.
PTSD Sufferer Melvin: I was diagnosed with PTSD after a long time of not being diagnosed. Upon returning from the war I was still in a heightened state of readiness like when I was still in the war with my patrol team, laying ambush, doing executive security and other high level missions, which I was part of and was more than ordinary combat. I had suppressed the fear inside me all along and when I returned to the US I realized most people didn't comprehend what was occurring in the war and that I was experiencing in and outside of me, but me and my fellow veterans wouldn't accept the fact that people didn't understand it.
In 1991 I realized my suppressed fears percolated, in addition, anxiety and isolation also took effect on me and my condition went for long time without being treated. Also the recognition for all the work my group did in the war wasn't given swiftly and desiring recognition, which was delayed and unacknowledged, took its toll on me. Twenty six years later, we were finally recognized for our contributions, and then I decided I wanted to be treated for it.
I was highly functioning PTSD sufferer. I graduated from college, had nice jobs, and served in many high level capacities both in military and civilian life, but it was at the cost of relationships from family and friends. Even now, there are triggers such as smells, music, and movies, but I deal with it. Talking about it feels like I’m reliving it all over again to me. Sometimes I even try to expedite the mental play back, so I can engage with others again. Sometimes you try to suppress the flash backs, but there are still fragments of it lingering in you. When you get them, the best thing to do is excuse yourself from those you are talking to calm yourself down and snap back into your present reality. It can also happen while you are driving. If it becomes exaggerated, you have to fight to focus and do what you are doing. If it happens while you are driving, you may want to park and let it play out because the imagery is sometimes too vivid to drive with.
Things can throw you back mentally into that traumatic experience. For example, you may relive that episode of fighting a fire or fighting the enemy during the war, even though that's not your present reality. There are many war returnees like that. I wish I could bottle what you said and convey it to their family and friends. Many times these war returnees detach from their family and friends because of the belief that people who haven't been through what they have been through won't understand. Another thing is that not all people are the same and one event can affect different people differently.
However, the general perception of many returnees' experiences are based on what civilians watch, hear or read in the media and they incorrectly base what they believe army returnees have been through on TV and movies they watch. TV and movies are not the reality of what the military is like and many people assume it is and the poor returnees have to explain to them that what the media is putting out isn't their reality and then they have to justify the current situation they are in to people, which can really be very overwhelming for many of them.
Another thing is that the only thing civilians need to say to service men is," Thank you for your service," but many civilians ask insensitive questions such as, "Did you kill anyone? Why aren't you still there? Are you a crazy vet that will shoot up the place? So, as soldiers they soldier on and they are functioning, but they keep others at a distance because they fear others will judge or misunderstand them.
We are talking about Post-Traumatic Stress, the syndrome, which is a diagnosed disease and also trauma today.
Caller: I was the victim of a home invasion at my girlfriend's home. The burglar knocked and came in and the home was robbed. I called my boyfriend and he showed up, but it has affected our relationship from my emotional perspective. I get angry all the time now, but I was never angry before. I used to be happy go lucky. I used to like to hang out and enjoy life. Now when people say something, I lose it for no reason and I'm short tempered and always angry.
Guest/Host: Anger is common after a traumatic event even if the situation doesn't merit the anger or even when it does, the amount of anger is higher than necessary. Difficulty in managing anger occurs internally and people can't manage the anger they are feeling. Also, home is where you expect to be safe and in a relaxed environment. However, home invasions breech that safety and the brain is on edge after being traumatized in many situations such as that. It is important for you to note that you shouldn't snap back swiftly and intensely when you feel angry. When you feel angry try to take the time to settle yourself down. Take stock of how tense your muscles become scrunched up. Note if your heart is racing and take deep breaths and relax your muscles to diffuse your mounting anger. Anger affects relationships because you are angry with people who are around you the most.
Caller: I believe my spouse is experiencing PTSD. He isolates himself for weeks at a time, shuts down, and then he wakes up from the dead and everything is ok and he then gets explosive for no apparent reason. It's like a roller coaster and he sets the tone for the house with his roller coaster behavior. I don't know if he experienced something traumatic as a child. What can I do to feel better? It’s getting to be too much. It's been 20 years, the children have been affected and they are having children now and they too might be affected.
Guest/Host: Many people are traumatized and traumatize their family members without ever getting to the core of their problems even with a therapist. We often hear roller coaster behavior and walking on egg shells as traits used by family members of trauma survivors to describe what they endure. They say their loved one suffering from PTSD is unpredictable, so that is what they must go through. Keep doing what you are doing, which is giving him feedback about how his behavior affects you. Also note that even when visiting psychologists they sometimes don't open up to let the psychologist into their past, so if there's physical and sexual abuse, you may not know about it. I don't know if all that together is causing the situation, but it is a little weird. However, you can focus on taking care of yourself. You sound like you are about to break down and cry. You have the right to feel good and not wake up daily not knowing what to expect from your partner. Unfortunately there are things we can't control, which includes other people’s behavior. For 20 years you've tried enough and you're still trying. I feel bad saying this but you have the right to say, "Enough is enough I'm setting a limit and that is it. You have a right to reach that point for you and those around you. It's a hard situation and you are only working with one part of the information. Do things to take care of yourself. Sleep, have social support, and make friends. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else just like when you take an airplane trip, and they tell you to put your mask on first to save yourself first and then to fit a mask on your squirming kid, otherwise you can die and you are no help to yourself or the kid. So prioritize taking care of yourself.
Caller: I am a war returnee/veteran. I have been locked up in jail three times. I lost a job for fighting but it wasn't me it was everyone else around me. Everyone else has a problem. I was told to go the psyche ward. I went and got my pills because it is required, but I never went back, but I still have anger issues. Now I hate to see any one in military uniform, I can't stand to smell gun powder, so I have to duck when I’m around it. My fiancé’s family has fireworks and they are big on the Fourth of July celebrations, which I can’t stand, so I go in the closet and shake when I smell the fireworks. I can't take it. My fiancé wonders what's wrong with me. I tried going to counseling but no one there looks like me, they were older white people. I don't see me there. I'm young. I went to one meeting everyone was male and older, no young black women there so i felt they don't understand. I just want to be fixed I don't want to answer questions.
Guest/Host: It's a difficult situation. It wasn't you, it was everyone else. That's what service men like marine, soldiers navy etc. say. The say or think, “Why don't they see the world the way I see it.” I'm sorry for the situation you are in. Examine what got in the way of you not talking to people. It can take some effort, but find a therapy or counseling center where you are comfortable or find a female African American therapist or women's group. Find a more comfortable situation that’s suitable for you. Work through your problem. Talk, think and write about it. That’s the best way to get through it. You won't feel good right after, but the process is therapeutic and after 6 or 12 weeks you’ll see the difference. It’s a long time game thing. Talk to people you can about it. It takes time to pull all your feelings back up to the surface. Don't let much time pass without you treating it.
PTSD Sufferer Melvin: When I went into the treatment process I was sick and tired. I had held several security position jobs, police officer jobs, I was an 11 Bravo Infantry Sergeant and in the civilian and military worlds I was successfully, but I became sick and tired and need something to make me feel better and I went and received treatment. You must talk about it and say, “This is what happened to me.” You must immerse yourself in the situation to repair yourself.
For more information, visit the following websites:
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies www.abct.org
International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies www.istss.org
Veterans of Foreign Wars VFW www.vfw.org
PTSD Project www.veteransptsdproject.com
Iraq & Afghanistan Veterans PTSD, TBI, and Physical Wounds
Host: Theresa Caldwell
Broadcast Date: 9/1/12
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