I was recently in Washington, DC AKA "Chocolate City" and talking to some elderly ladies. They all complained about the poor quality of the black men they had raised. As these women talked they shared that they these men including their brothers, sons, cousins, and grandsons didn't turn out like they wanted them to even though they had tried to raise them right. These men are chocolate gigolos.
They shared that they are thoroughly disappointed by these men, but they don't know what to do about it. One said her son is now so used to receiving from women that he can't comprehend doing anything for any woman. She says she was taught that men are supposed to care for women, but the women out here these days have no problem taking care of men and now many men including her sons expect it. She says her sons are always receiving gifts, driving women's cars, are taken on vacations, given money and wined and dined by the women they are dating and to top it all, she said her sons are not even faithful to them, so she thoroughly doesn't get it.
This is a prevalent sentiment in the DC area about African American men, but it was something I hadn't heard expressed by older women in their 60s through to their 80s. One of the women, an eighty something year old woman expressed her anger and disappointment in her only son who is 52 years old. She said he doesn't work, and lives with her and his father with his girlfriend and their two kids. She said it's so bad that she feels like he's just waiting for her and her husband to die, so he can inherit what they worked hard to accumulate over the years, but she said that's the surprise he's going to receive because she is not going to have him in her will because she is planning to leave everything to her younger sister.
As she spoke, I said that she and her husband are the cause of their own problems. An able bodied 52 year old man has no place living with his parents and then for them to allow him to bring his girlfriend and two kids is just too much. The daily song he sings is that, "The man" is holding him down, but he doesn't lift a finger to do anything to improve his life such as looking for jobs or returning to school. As you guessed, he dropped out of school early in life. I shared with her that it's not surprising that her son is doing what he's doing because she and her husband are allowing him to do it. Of course he won't be motivated to do anything when there is no one making him do anything. He has mommy and daddy to catch his fall, so he's just taking advantage of the situation. He figures like many other people out there, if all else fails I'll end up on my parent’s or grandparent’s sofa. However, sometimes in life, it's when a person knows there's no one to catch their fall that they figure out what they need to do to be successful.
I shared with her that the time to rectify the situation is now while she's alive by putting her foot down and making plans to eject him from her house. As far as I'm concerned, his children and their mother depending on their ages, should be allowed to stay if they don't have alternative housing, but he is an able bodied man who can work to earn a living, so he has got to go. I also shared with her that her plans to leave him out of her will may not work. I have seen situations where people leave instructions in their will and when they die the will is contested by their son. A good example of that is Apostle Betty Peebles, founder of the mega church, Jericho City of Praise. This hardworking woman created an empire in Prince Georges County, MD including a church, a school, a book store etc. Before she died she left instructions in her will about what her son, Pastor Joel Peebles should control and what the church's board of trustees members should control. But when she died, her son went straight to court to contest her will. For an intelligent woman who got so much done in her lifetime, I seriously doubt that she wouldn't have her affairs in order including an up to date will when she died and to have her will contested after her death is very disappointing. The issue has also split the church, as some members are supporting her son, while some are supporting the board members. The elderly lady responded that she didn't believe me because she couldn't understand how her instructions if left in black and white in a will can be contested, but one of the other ladies in her group quickly shared that was I was telling her is true since she had also read about the Peebles’ will fiasco. She also shared that when her cousin's mother died and left a will with most of her things to one of her children, which was the one who took care of her in her old age, her other children took her to court to contest the will and they are still battling it out in court.
Going back to the ladies and the men in their lives, the bottom line is that people (including one's very own children) will do what you let them do to you. We all understand that these are trying times, but people will still take advantage of anyone who will let them. That's what we women need to remember. Many men these days have no problem having women take care of them. Some even believe it is even their right. This is no longer just in the US; it is all over the world. The flip side of this phenomenon is that on top of that, men still want to be admired, respected, in control and obeyed because it is innate in them to desire that. Jokers! A man that is being kept by a woman cannot receive respect consistently and there lies the problem as they often feel bad when they are undermined, disrespected or trivialized as they will be at some point. That's why real men who want to be treated as men work hard to provide, so they can be respected and looked up to and men would be best served to embrace that reality.
A word is enough for the wise…
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