Barry White, Al B. Sure, and El Debarge sang the song, Secret Garden which was the Quiet Storm anthem written by Quincy Jones and it speaks of sensuality.
Hi, how's your relationship with yourself? To know what turns you on and to have more passion in your relationship, you need to know and be comfortable with who you are and be a good communicator of who you are and what you want in your relationship. You should be able to effectively communicate what you like, don't like, and your fantasies, all of which will make your relationship better. Do you share them or keep them to yourself?
In a recent poll it was discovered that 70 % of men and 50% of women use erotic fantasy to spice things up. What about you? Could you? Should you? If you want to teach an old lover new tricks this is the show for you…
It's so unfortunate that people meet, get together, hang out, court, and form permanent relationships, such as marriage or live together, and never have a conversation about their sexual likes, dislikes, needs, wants, or fantasies and over time tensions develop especially when one partner tries to introduce the other into new sexual experiences. Some partners feel they are being forced into sexual situations initiated by their partner. For example, there's a love letter on my blog about a woman complaining about that. You can also send your love letter in.
In a recent survey, it was discovered that 5-15% of normal healthy couples’ sexual experiences are dissatisfied or dysfunctional. Is that you?
Gina is a Washington, DC area professional who has been married for 20 years. She was on the 50 shades of Grey show we did last year and showed she has some expertise in this area because she talked about keeping passion in relationships.
Some couples never talk about their sexual desires or what turns them on. It is taboo and they try to have a satisfying and functional relationship in spite of that. Imagine that? How can that occur when the person doesn't know who you are, what you feel, your erogenous zones, and what you like or don’t like? You can't have a great and fulfilling relationship if all of these things are not discussed.
Communicating comes from day one in a relationship. You just don't wake up and start communicating, especially not about sex. They don't want to offend their partners by expressing their likes and dislikes, and maybe they should start with what they like. If you are silent for so long and then you say something it becomes questionable. If you have a partner that doesn't listen to you that's an issue that occurs both inside and outside the bedroom, so from day one we should state likes, dislikes, and preferences, so that over the years you are satisfied and comfortable with the relationship you have.
You should be communicating all along beginning at the dating phase. You have to have deep conversations, share, and let them in, so they can know you. There are many parts of relationship conversations but discussing your sexuality and sexual preferences is very important.
Excerpt from the book, Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style: Sharing Desire, Pleasure and Satisfaction by Emily and Barry McCarthy
1. Develop positive and realistic sexual expectations. Know that TV, romantic movies and porn aren't real. You will come to realize that truth is more satisfying than fiction.
2. Know your sensual and sexual options. Sex is not synonymous with sensuality. Intercourse is not the only option. There are many more. There are broad and flexible feelings and situations that can be utilized.
3. Communicate your sexual desires and know the preferences, you and your mates have. Be open to each other’s needs, wants and preferences.
Traditionally, men prefer mutual, multiple and visual stimulation and focus on arousing their partner, and being orgasmic during intercourse, while women prefer mutual, multiple, and self-enhancement stimulation
In every relationship there's compromise, but if it pushes a person beyond whom the person is, then that's not right. When you know who you are and vice versa that makes for the best type of relationship, but if a relationship compromises who you are that's wrong and no one should have to endure that.
Caller: I am married with 3 kids and bringing in erotica or things outside the box can be a plus. Before marriage I was interested in the swing thing.
Host: Do you mean a threesome?
Caller: No. I mean swing parties. I wasn't sure she'd be interested, so I pulled it up on the computer for her to see and we started to discuss it. It opened up a Pandora’s box, which was good and I gradually introduced her to it.
Host: What made you consider that?
Caller: It was before I met my wife. I had participated before we got together. She was open to it and it worked out well. I just decided to share it with her instead of sneaking around and getting caught or taking someone else.
Host: Being open and honest worked out well. In some situations it could have gone differently.
Guest: It's a discussion that involves the two partners and no one else. If both of them agree then it is ok.
Host: Some people would not have been interested in it and some would find it offensive. They worked on it for a while as a couple and she came around to it.
Guest: A couple has to determine what's ok and what's not ok. He gradually introduced them to it. To be in a relationship they already had common interests, which is one of the reasons we should choose a mate. It is a level of open-mindedness. He probably thought she would be open to it. Maybe not that particular act directly, but something similar.
What turns you on? Is your partner willing to do it with you? What is healthy and sexy erotica? What is the importance of it? What's good or bad about it?
Janet Jackson's song, Ooh Baby is a sensual song that gets people in the mood.
Understanding one's sexuality and that of one's partner is a core element in any couple's satisfaction and in creating, maintaining and having realistic expectations of their sexual relationships, which includes sexual style. The components of which are:
1. Intimacy: The word means "into me see." So, you have to reveal yourself and let people in, for them to be intimate with you.
2. Eroticism adds to that. What makes you feel good including touch, arousal, sexual desires, and orgasms?
It is also good to note that the second part doesn't work if the first part doesn't exist.
People misunderstand intimacy. It is very broad and covers a huge area including considerations, touching, perceived appreciation, self-understanding. That's the first step to knowing who you are. Also, how they are supporting and communicating with you. How they understand you or do they even understand you and is that ok with them or they have a box they have mentally put you in.
Host: You don't help them get you. You don't share your hopes, dreams, fears and desires. You expect them to just automatically know you. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and let people know you.
Caller: We are open-minded and it started the approach with me saying, "I'm into this. Would you like to be part of it? It was an honest communication. I asked her the wildest thing she did in college which was a segue into being comfortable about knowing her fantasies. A lot of it has to do with maturity which I didn't possess at a point in my life. When I became more mature I didn't force anything on her. I introduced it in a nonthreatening way. When I was younger, I just backed my partners against the wall.
Guest: Respecting others’ rights, personality and who they are is very important. If you genuinely like someone as a person, you will respect their boundaries, not forcing anything on them, but you can make them aware of what you like so they can partake of it if they choose to.
Host: In the book 50 Shades of Grey he slowly introduced her to it. It wasn't forced and she was able to decide if she wanted to participate or not.
Guest: A lot of people can easily communicate things they want in other areas except their sexual beings. Some people are conditioned that sexuality is a taboo topic. That's why we want to get it from movies, porn or on the internet, but we don't want to discuss it with our partners sitting right next to us.
Caller: I can improve more on the foreplay aspect. Men take the foreplay for granted but the reality is that just like your car needs to be warmed up before you drive it off, women need to be warmed up.
Guest: Foreplay starts outside the bedroom. For example, if I'm in the kitchen, he touches me and we hold hands in public. We don't act like we are neighbors all day then we get into the bed and then he grabs me.
Host: It's the whispers, the rubbing of the back, the pat on the backside that happens all day long that build up to the bedroom. Also using nicely scented scents, oils, and candles as pre-foreplay to create the mood is important. In the book Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style: Sharing Desire, Pleasure and Satisfaction by Emily and Barry McCarthy, there's a survey you should take. Kim Catrall of Sex and the City and her ex-husband, Mark Levinson also wrote a book titled Satisfaction: The Art of female Orgasm. It is very graphic, but it has foreplay in it. She shares that her and her husband were having a satisfying sex life and discovered their friends weren't so they decided to write the book about it.
We are helping you get the groove back in your sexual and emotional life, so keep reading…
Can being willing to attend a class, read a book, or watch a film help your sex life and create more communication?
Guest: It's a way to open up that level of communication. Some people don't know what they like. They don't know their sexual preferences.
The song, One on One by Paul and Oats speaks to this topic...
One way to know yourself is through touch such as massaging yourself or your partner. Being in touch with your erogenous zones and sharing it with your partner is very important in a relationship.
Caller: I agree with the caller. It's ironic that all the callers so far today are men. It reinforces the fact that men are more willing to share about this topic than women. If people are more open and honest from the beginning things will be better. How you start is how you should continue. If you don't express what you expect, who you are, what you like or don't like then the relationship will fail. More women will be silent and wait it out. They say, "I'll hint for them to make a change."
Host: Do women in the British Virgin Islands have the same sexual attitudes as women in the US.
Caller: The Virgin Islands is a "Christian" society so no. I married a lady from the US. She is from Maryland. When we met, we hit it off and got into each other. Sex was always a big thing for me. I'm a big sex addict but only with the one I'm with.
Host: There's a difference between having sex and making love and people confuse the two.
Caller: Anything I engage in, I want my partner to engage in also, but I want her to be comfortable, so we can be comfortable with each other. We like to have different experiences. We travel. We do new things. We agree to not have relationships outside our relationship. Whatever it is we want to do, we discuss it before we engage in it. We did some things with others who were respectful and when we reached our limit that was it. We use handcuffs. I like it when she puts her hands around my throat. She's a gorgeous woman. She comes back with new stuff each time she comes to Maryland. We did a photo shoot titled Sex, Intimacy & Love Never Dies for the health department here. We are considered the middle age couple in the shoot, because we are in our 40s and you see the poster everywhere. People tease us about it and ask if the "sex, intimacy and love" have died and I respond by saying, "Of course it has not!"
Host: That's a great combination. We appreciate you!
Caller: Please get some more women to call. We need their perspective on this.
Host: We will.
Caller: I have been married for seventeen years and our communication is currently non-existent.
Host: What happened? Have you stepped out on her?
Caller: Yes I did. We tried to work through it, but there's still a lot of mistrust.
Host: Did you receive counseling?
Caller: We received counseling through the church.
Host: You didn't go to a professional?
Caller: We did and we're still working on that but it's not helping. It is to the point where she wants us to use condoms. This is a woman I have been with for 17 years. How do we go back to where we were?
Host: You violated her trust immensely. Your wife has Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). It's not something she can get over just like that.
Writer’s Note: Cheaters always want their partner to move on and forgive and forget what they did but it’s not that simple. By nature many men are selfish and self-centered, so it’s easy for them to want that because it’s to their benefit. I would definitely advise that wife to use condoms with him if she wants to live a long and sexually healthy life. This isn't a trustworthy man. If/when he steps out on her again and gets infected with an STD or AIDS, he will bring it right back to his wife, infect her, derail her life and then he will be like it is what it is she should have used a condom. When it comes to sex men are often very unreasonable, so such decisions should not be left to them. Many men just want their sexual needs met to the detriment of others. It takes strong and wise females to deal with them effectively. If this woman is not careful and does not practice only safe sex with him, his actions will ruin her and she will have no one but herself to blame for the consequences she suffers. African-American women in relationships are now the highest rate of HIV infections in the US.
For more on this topic read HIV is Real and Sexual Health Responsibility and Condom Use
You can send your love letter anonymously to the Audrey Chapman Show on the WHUR website at www.whur.com The Audrey Chapman Show will also have a poll on the topics you'd like to be discussed. Feedback is always very important. So feel free to let them know how they are doing.
Source: The Audrey Chapman Show
Broadcast Date: 02/09/13
Writer: Susan Majek
Editor: Jeremie D. Guy
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