B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A by Fantasia Barrino B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A,
It's about time we had our own song Don't know what took so long Cause now-a-days it like a badge of honor, To be a baby mama. I see ya payin' ya bills, I see ya workin' ya job, I see ya goin' to school, And girl I know it's hard,And even though ya fed up, When makin' beds up, Girl, keep ya head up, All my...
I see you get that support check in the mail, You open it and you’re like "What the Hell"
You say "This ain't even half of daycare, " Saying to yourself "This shit ain't fair"
To all my girls who don't get no help, Who gotta do everything by yourself, Remember: What don't kill you can only make you stronger, My baby mamas...
Cause we the backbone (of the hood), I always knew that (that we could), We can go anywhere, we can do anything, I know we can make it if we dream, And I think it should be a holiday, For single mothers tryin' to make a way, But until then, Here is your song, Show love to my....
Is it a good thing to be a baby mama with all the drama that goes with it? Well, Fantasia sings about it. She even says, “Now-a-days it’s like a badge of honor” so she seems to think so and now she's even done it twice. Hi, how's your relationship with yourself? It better be in good shape if you are a baby mama who is trying to secure child support for your child and caught up in the drama that goes with it.
Are you a single mother trying to secure support for your child? Do you have baby mama drama and the law is for or against you? Are you trying to figure out the legal and moral implications of the situation yourself? Well if you are, know that you are certainly not alone and we are here for you. So many people in our community are struggling with the issue especially because 70% of children born in the African American community are born to unwed parents, so Fantasia is right when she sings, “We the backbone (of the hood).” Cathy Middleton of the law offices of Middleton and Middleton based in NY and author of Girl, Get That Child Support written especially for baby mamas and Boy Drop That child Support specially written for baby daddy's who are trying to do the right thing are being disadvantaged by the legal system is our guest today.
Everywhere you turned recently in the news for the better part of the week it was all about the General Petraeus affair/Paula Broadwell, and we know that sometimes affairs lead to children outside marriage, which is a complicated situation. Let’s say he finds out that he has a child by one of these women he was allegedly in an affair with, what would your advice to him be?
My advice to the General would be to be very cautious in terms of how he proceeds in dealing with any kind of paternity case because that's the initial thing that would happen with regard to a child support proceeding is that the court would seek to establish through DNA evidence that he is infect the father. The court just doesn't take a woman's word that a man is the father of her child because studies have shown that infect in many cases the man turns out to not be the biological father of the child.
This is a warning to men out there to have the baby they believe is theirs or not checked out by conducting a DNA test to establish paternity because they might just end up raising another man's child if they don't get it done. Men raising children they believe to be theirs but are not biologically theirs happens quite often and it was probably happening for centuries but now that there are ways to test, there's no excuse not to have the child checked out. A study conducted by the American Academy of Blood Bank showed that one third of men who tested turned out not to be the biology fathers of the children who they assumed they had fathered. It's very interesting to note that paternity fraud is a big issue worldwide and it is to be taken very seriously by men.
How can you have a DNA test done?
There are number of testing methods now. There's an at home paternity test and in some states it is legally recognized in the court room. For states that don't allow the at home test, they have designated facilities that conducts the test and makes a determination as to who the disputed father of the child is. It is a very serious issue because the financial question of how do you support this child once the paternity determination is made occurs. Child support is not a small matter because the cost to support a child is astronomical. The US Department of Agriculture in a study conducted in the year 2000 stated that it would cost $185,000 to raise a child from birth to 18 years old which is when the child becomes an adult. So it is no small financial fete and it should be taken very seriously by men. I would say when in doubt or not even in doubt have the baby checked out. This happens more often than one would think. Nelson Mandela’s grandson, ANC MP Mandla Mandela discovered that his second wife, Nkosikazi Nobubele Mandela had an affair with one of his brothers which resulted in a child this is what he said, “The revelation of this affair has come as a shock to me and the rest of my family…It has been made more painful because it is my own brother who is at the center of the crisis.”
Gold Digger by Kanye West & Jamie Foxx
18 years, 18 years, She got one of your kids got you for 18 years, I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids, His baby mama's car and crib is bigger than his, You will see him on TV any given Sunday, Win the Super bowl and drive off in a Hyundai, She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money, She went to the doctor got lipo with your money, She walking around looking like Michael with your money, Should have got that insured got GEICO for your money, If you ain’t no punk holla we want prenup, WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah
It's something that you need to have, 'Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half, 18 years, 18 years, And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn't his (She gives me money), Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger (When I'm in Need), But she ain't messin' with no broke niggas, (She gives me money), Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger (When I'm in need), But she ain't messin' with no broke niggas
Are men like the General who have a lot money more vulnerable to women looking to have babies by them and stay in the men's pockets for 18 years?
Oh yes. Men who are very successful and have power and money are more attractive to women to have babies by them because if they have a baby by them, they are entitled to a sizable 18 year monthly payment they probably couldn't make doing anything else. Men who are vulnerable to this include professional athletes, entertainers and other highly paid men, who are very vulnerable to paternity suits, so men must be more diligent than they were a generation or two ago. For example, Justin Beiber was targeted last year by Mariah Yeater, a 20-year-old woman who claimed he was the father of her child because he is a high earning entertainer. How does the court deal with a rich mother who makes more than the father? Some men also do the same thing. There are now many gigolos and gold diggers who want to get paid by impregnating insecure, wealthy women and then filing for child support. A good example is Halle Berrys ex, Gabriel Aubry.
In your book, there's a chapter titled, "Who’s Your Daddy?" and this is a quote from the book. "My world is falling apart, last month my man left me and my son, Jason, for some woman who lives down the hall. He stopped helping me with the rent and won't now pay his half of Jason's day care center fees anymore. Now I'm stuck paying all these bills on my little $600 a week paycheck. Over and over, I have begged this idiot to help me, but he keeps saying no and to top it all off, yesterday, he told me that he no longer thinks Jason is his child and wants him to take a paternity test. I have been with this man for the past five years. Can he really do this to me now?" What was your answer to the woman in this situation?
Based on the fact that she's a New York resident where there's a law of Paternity by Estoppel, which means that if the man has held himself out as the father of a child and helped to take care of the child, and the child recognizes him as the father, then he is considered to be the father of the child legally regardless of if a DNA test will later prove him to not be biologically related to the child. This is the law in New York State; in other states it may be different. For example, in Georgia or Washington DC, if a gentleman determines after the fact that a child he has been raising is not his, he has the right to go to court and challenge paternity and if it is determined that he is not the father, his financial obligation to the child ceases. There's even an emerging issue where the man can return to court and seek compensation for the child support money he paid and there was a case in North Carolina where the man went back to court and sued for breach of contract but in most states you don't get the money back. You just lose your money to the woman and the child. However, the book deals with the national law in different states.
Quote from the Girl, Get That Child Support, “Establishing paternity is the process of making that kinship legal. To legalize this connection, the first thing you will need to do is get a summons and petition for paternity and file them with your local family court. The summons and petition are documents that, in effect, demand a man to appear in court to answer your allegation than on a particular date, at a particular time, he impregnated you, causing you to give birth to his child. You can get summons and petition forms at your local family court or by downloading them from your court’s website. Forms are also available at your state’s office for each state’s child support enforcement agency.”
How complicated is the process?
It is a simple process. You can do it yourself, which is called, "Acting Pro Se" AKA filing without a lawyer. You can file in family court. You wait for it to come up on the docket. The party gets served. A court date is set. Parties order a paternity test to be conducted. They will issue of affiliation extabl, which is an acknowledgment of the paternity being brought to court as proof that the man is the farther, and an order will be issued.
If a man has more than one baby or has babies in different places he can be hit with multiple paternity suit charges simultaneously. I had a client who was hit with five child support cases simultaneously, so it can be done. However, who gets to court first is the luckiest. Whoever submits the order for support first gets the largest share of his income and all the others take from what's left after that and state, federal and local taxes, making it a much smaller pie to share.
Editor's note: Business mogul, Sean Puffy Combs AKA has dealt with baby mama drama from his on and off again ex Kim Porter who filed for child support She was his second baby mama but the first baby mama had never taken him to court prior. She was making do with what she was getting from him, so when Kim went to court and got an award, she also went to court and got an award, but word is that he didn't actually pay what the courts dictated and he and Kim Porter must have made up and went on to have twins.
Caller: Baby mama drama happened to me. I was dealing with a lady who got pregnant and with my stressful job I couldn't handle having a girl friend who behaved like she did and I separated from her. But for the child's upkeep I gave her money orders. When she saw that I received a promotion at work she immediately saw dollar signs and took me to court where I presented the receipts of the money orders. When the judge asked her why she brought me to court for not giving her money to help raise the child she said she forgot that I gave her money. The judge said that's perjury which she could do jail time for. The judge said to me, "You are a smart gentleman not to have given her cash." If I had given her cash I wouldn't have had anything to prove that I gave her money, but I am connected with the legal system, so I was talking to judges, police officers, paralegals, AES, etc and they told me what to do, if not I would have been screwed like so many brothers out here.
Guest/Host: He did what he was supposed to do. Some fathers are not legally savvy and don't understand the system, so they give the woman cash, which she can deny ever receiving at any point in time. Some men even say the woman demands cash and will receive only cash and she refuses to even sign a receipt for the cash when she is given. So, men should always create a paper trail through giving the money as checks, money orders etc. Never do cash.
Caller: What is too much child support? I pay $1400 for two kids and I make $25 an hour and they based the child support payment on me working overtime, which isn't consistent. Is this right?
It all depends on if the children have special needs, their ages, if they attend private school, engage in extracurricular activities, have special tutoring/ lessons etc. The circumstances matter on the amount of child support a woman is awarded.
Are there standards according to age of the child or children?
Statutory guidelines are based on the number of children the man has and the situation involved. There can be deviations based on different situations. Also, there can be deviations from being separated for many years and several factors also apply.
Are you a man having baby mama drama because someone is trying to get all your dough? If you are keep reading.
Quote from Girl, Get That Child Support: "If your man was in the home when the baby was conceived and accepts that he is the father of the child, then congratulations, you can bypass a paternity suit situation because he is assumed to be the father of the child ."
Paternity is presumed for babies born to married parents whether the father in reality is someone else or not, but it is a rebuttable presumption and a DNA test can be conducted.
What are other factors concerning how statutory guidelines determine how much child support is awarded.
1. There are other children the non-custodial parent supports.
3. If the non-custodial parent has student loans he/she is making payments regularly on.
There are 17 child related expenses courts consider when estimating a child support award including: School supplies
Trips
Tutoring
Telephone
Health insurance
Beauty/barber shop costs
In addition to the statutory amount of 17% or 19% of the non-custodial parent's income, there are also add on expenses above and beyond the statutory amount that will be included in the award amount such as baby sitting fees, day care fees, private school fees (if the child's needs can't be met by public education), college tuition, private lessons/tutoring, health insurance, eye glasses, dental needs, summer camps, vacations etc.,
Caller: I live in Virginia and have a 16 and 10 year old by the same mother. I accepted responsibility when they were born, but I believe they might not be mine now. What can I do?
Guest/Host: You made an assumption that they are your and now you think they are not yours. In VA, there is a statue of limitations on paternity issues, which is 10 years. If you held that you were the father at that time and for 10 years after, regardless of if you come to find that in reality they are yours biologically or not, the court will hold that they are your children and are dependent upon you financially and it's a deprivation to the children even if you are not their biological father. So now you can't do anything. So, this is another good reason why men should never assume a child is theirs because you never know. You can believe you trust the woman you are with, but unless the child comes out looking like a spitting image of you, you can't be 100% sure. So, men should always get the paternity test. Because of the numbers of men realizing that the children they have been raising for years aren't there's some men's rights groups are pushing for all children born to have a test after birth, but they are receiving push back from women's groups saying it will make women uncomfortable.
Editor's Note: There was a rich Nigerian man known as MKO Abiola. He was a very generous and polygamous millionaire who had multiple wives, girlfriends, and mistresses. While he was alive, he assumed responsibility for all the children that were presented to him. However, when he died, in his will he ordered that except for the children from his first two wives who were with him before he made his millions, all his other children must be tested and their paternity established before they could partake of the estate he left behind. It was found that many children who he thought he had fathered turned out to not be his and they didn't get anything from his will. So, men should get their kids tested and I don't see why women who have nothing to hide would be uncomfortable with it.
Caller: I have been trying to get a modification for 5 years. I took a temporary contractor job where I made a lot of money for a little while and the court based the child support on that and ordered me to pay $700. At the time I was also married and had two kids, but my wife died and I now take care of my two kids by myself. My arrears is now $35,000 even though I have her during the summer and Christmas holidays and I provide for the child outside of the $700. When she needs anything I buy it for her outside of the child support payment I pay. The whole system is flawed. How can I be overlooked for 5 years?
Guest/Host: When your first employment ceases you should return to court with your new employment documentation to receive a downward modification of the initial award and you should be issued a new amount to pay by the court. If you don't have another job, the court will empew a certain amount for you to pay based on what they think you should be able to pay. When the first job ended did you let them know your circumstance and did you present your new documentation?
Caller: Yes, I did but I was told I will get another job making that kind of money soon, which I have been unable to do since then.
Guest/Host: You need to go back to court. He is one of many male victims out there now because even the NY Times recently wrote about most fathers of lower income who petition for lower reduction failing to receive it in the courts even though legally they are entitled to it.
Mary J. Blige sings No more pain, No more drama, but that's what baby mamas and baby daddy's go through. A moment of passion causes them a lifetime of pain. Using a simple condom would have made many men avoid the drama, 18 year child support, jail time etc they now have to contend with that will destabilize their lives in numerous ways.
Are you a baby mama who is tired and worn down from dealing with child support payment issues with your baby daddy? What happens if your husband has a child outside of your marriage? Are you trying to get a handle on your child support payment situation? Are you feeling like you can't survive and support your child in peace? If you are, keep reading...
There's a 5 step formula used to determine appropriate child support award amounts, but it also varies depending on the state they live in. For example, some states base it on the combined income of the non-custodial parent and his spouse, or the net income of just the non-custodial parent. In Delaware, the Melson Formula model which uses a scientific formula is used.
Editor’s Note: I know a very smart woman who married her husband the day after his youngest daughter from a previous relationship turned 18 years old just to avoid being responsible with her husband for his child support payments...
The goal of child support payment is to provide the child with the same standard of living the child would have had if the child was living with both parents. Child support determination is based on several circumstances such as; is the non-custodial parent now married, the state you live in etc. It is very complex and based on many variables. It is often complicated to address with people.
Caller: I was getting child support, but I took my baby daddy off since we got back together but things are not working out and he's not doing what he should, can I get him back on it?
Guest/Host: As long as the child is under 18 you can go back to family court and petition the court again but it would be like starting from scratch.
Caller: I put myself on child support in 2008 in VA but I'm having problems because I can't get a modification. My baby mama has gotten me fired from every job I have worked and the court won't lower the $500 I was ordered to pay her a long time ago. I can't pay this. I don't have a job and I have been ordered to show up in court and I was told and I will spend 6 months in jail for this. They even raised the payment by $75. I went to the agency and they said they can't do anything about it because it was court ordered.
Guest/Host: The court grants a modification based on loss of income due to no fault of the non-custodial parent, but you don't meet that criteria because you were fired. The raise of $75 is a cost of living increase. What you are scheduled for is a willfulness hearing. They can incarcerate you because you are not demonstrating a willfulness to pay. Pay whatever you can consistently to show the court show that you are not ignoring the court order and that may help you overcome the issue of not getting incarcerated, but it will have no effect on your payment arrears. It's a challenge because you were fired. It is court ordered, so you can't do anything and the child support agency can't help you. Only a judge can change it now not an agency.
Caller: My son's dad has only paid about 6 months of child support in the last 3 years. Whenever we go to court he doesn't bring his financially documents and I know he has money but he's hiding it by working off the books and I can't prove it.
Guest/Host: He's hiding his financial information. The court can use a needs based formula to come to an amount and they will grant an award based on that. How the court can estimate his hidden earnings since he's working off the books include his, car, where he lives, his clothes, his lifestyle, his credit history, his business etc.
Editor’s note: When you have sex with someone you must realize that you are potentially setting yourself up to be connected with that person for life by having a child with that person, so sexual activity, the act which creates life, isn't to be taken lightly because sexual act has in some cases as you have read never ending consequences.
In a recent interview with The Nation Newspaper, a DNA expert gave some interesting statistics about the paternity of Nigerian men, saying that three out of every ten Nigerian men are not the biological fathers of their kids! Below is what he shared
“What we have found out is that, anytime we take ten men, at least three of them eventually found that they are not the fathers of the children they call their own. And these men would have taken care of the children for all their lives. Now, the global statistics is 100, 000 out of every 300, 000 men. But what we have found that is that the situation is higher in Nigeria than other places. For example in our laboratory here, 50 per cent of the cases comes out negative. And we also realized that majority of the first-borns are affected. You only need to be here to see big men cry like little kids and watch children weep in agony. It has been that bad.
Thirty per cent of fathers are unknowingly bringing up children who are not biologically theirs, and the percentage may be on the increase due to sexual recklessness. Negative paternity results are both rampant in matrimony and casual affiliations.
I tell you, we have had series of married men come here and go back home devastated. In one instance, a man came here with his wife. Out of the five children he thought were his own, he discovered that only two belonged to him. And they are both duly married, living together as husband and wife.
As someone who tests about 15 to 20 families weekly, he mentioned some instances that could warrant a man to take the DNA test.
People come here as a result of various types of controversies over the paternity of certain children. You know, families have come to us with claims that a child neither takes after the mother nor the father in looks and character. So, the man of the house would be curious to ascertain facts. And when they come here with such children, the fears of the fathers have often been affirmed. Fathers usually have the doubts; maybe he has been hearing some rumors, and you know, men are often the last to hear such things about themselves. Until many of them come here to take the test, they have nurtured other men’s children before realizing it.”
Although some people say the DNA expert’s alarming words are just to scare people into utilizing his company’s services. However, I would disagree totally and advise people to get it done for their peace of mind.
Host: Audrey Chapman
Guest: Cathy Middleton of the Law offices of Middleton & Middleton www.cathymiddleton.com
Recommended reading: The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, LowerCosts, and Happier Kids--Without Going to Court by Stuart G. Webb and Ronald D. Ousky.
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